And while we're at it.

I think this would fall under a public service announcement. Seems that the One Step Ahead cataloge has come up with some handy new products for us parents of the world. I couldn't just see these wonderful finds without sharing with you, my adoring public. Enjoy.

Turning your attention to page 18 of the cataloge. This amazing light allows you to "get the job done without waking baby". Now I'm noticing that in this picture baby is in fact, awake. Maybe this mommy wore her clip on robe light a little high on the collar? Maybe a lower placement would have allowed her to "get the job done". Still a nifty gadget, I'm sure it will provide hours of changing pleasure for both Mommy and Daddy. Just be careful to remove this light when running out to the driveway to grab the paper, wouldn't want your neighbors to think you are a FREAK!

Ahh...page 36, "Make baby's first steps safer". What a great idea! I could hardly bare the thought of leaning down to hold my little one's hands for those "walking lessons". Now you too can give birth and raise your very own Pinocchio! I think I'll order a few and change my name to Gepetto.
And last but not least, on page 27, "Make bathtime safer". This truly amazing product takes the mission of obtaining baby soap on your hand while holding the baby safely. Just place your hand under this product and magically soap appears on your hand! I for one know how incredibly arduous it was to do this task with one hand! An added bonus imagine the fun the toddler in your house will have with this product should you mistakenly leave it in the bathtub. Soap for All!

So rush out and order these products, I expect there to be some difficulty in obtaining them once everyone reads my review. Hurry...go.....now!

As promised for Susie Q.

Let's travel down memory lane, shall we? Let us begin in the third grade.
I bet you're wondering how I have two children having obviously had a sex change. No, that is actually a girl. Scary....I loved my "wings". And I remember that shirt, I looked like quite the strapping young man.

So we moved two years later, and thankfully we moved into a neighborhood with some girls, my hair grew. This next picture was taken in Florida at my grandparents house. I was doing some Breck hair commercial. That isn't the important thing to note, note the awesome iron on transfer t-shirt with E.T. Now that's cool.
OK this next one is disturbing on a few levels. See I'm wearing a Panama Jack t-shirt. That's scary, as are my Nair short shorts. Now looking more closely you'll see my Mom smiling demonically as she readies herself to cook on the old gas grill. Sure scary, but then you notice my sister crouching next to said gas grill, assumingly throwing in a lit match. I was in 6th grade. I remember doing this task for my Mom too, she was too scared to throw the match in the grill, so she'd summon us. Hmmm....questionable parenting, but it was the 80s after all. Not my sister's rockin' hair. She was H O T.

Here' I am modeling in the bushes. Speaking of H O T. I vividly recall my sister and I taking this picture. We were going to win modeling contracts from Teen Beat. After, of course, we spent our millions from those contests where we drew that turtle. Now that's where the real money is.

My Mom went to Essex Aggie for hairstyling. Can you tell that she was really popular with my sister and I, and her friend Wendy? She was really amazing at the Rave Spiral Perm. I know you're all jealous. This was right around the time that I found Sun In. Or Orange In in my case. BTW I loved this dress, cap sleeves and all!

This is eight grade. I think I look fairly normal, barring my patriotic choice of clothes. It's funny, as you'll see I look like this A LOT. I wish my arms were that thin now. Sigh.

Oh dear! I've lost the bangs, forgotten to do the eyebrows, and gone REALLY BOLD in the clothing department! I loved this shirt, it was Polo and I got it a Filene's Basement, circa year when Leah Deveau worked there and stole things on a daily basis. She was an unfortunate girl, and she was a bitch for not telling me to ditch the horizontal stripes!

Ahh the not so Nuclear Family. See anyone missing from this shot? This starts the red years. Someone must have said I looked good in red, because I wore it to death. Sad that I'm the one that looks good in this picture. Would you look at my Mom's hair, and she looks like she's got a nasty piece of meat in her mouth and she needs a napkin. And my sister.....oh Jenn, Jenn, Jenn....the hair. Makes me feel good about my flat do.

Here we go with the red again. This is my senior picture. I was 17 in this picture. That was 17 years ago. I don't look much different today. At our 10 year reunion they had this picture on my name tag. I was embarrassed because I looked exactly the same. I hate that guido gold chain around my neck. Yucky!

Here we are in my nautical phase. This is Jenn's graduation from college. With my sailor dress and my Mom's horrible dress, we are not looking like the beautiful family. Unfortunate clothing choices, all around.



And who could forget the dress? I had this lovely piece specifically made by Susan Wonderly herself. The damn thing fell apart mid prom. That ruffle on the top became a tray, and I could have served hor'doeurves to the other prom goers. Luckily there was a sweetheart neckline underneath, or I would have been in trouble. Heather, Chris, Carol, Alison, and Sarah I'm calling you all out...why didn't you tell me that Mick was not attractive? What did I ever see in him?

And that, my friends, will conclude my walk down memory lane. See Suzanne, you're not the only one with skeletons!

Happy Birthday, Suit.

So the Suit is officially only one year younger than me again. This 3.5 weeks of me being 2 years older really needs to end. Nah..nah...you're 34, I'm only 32....nah, nah, nah...well welcome to 33 Buddy!

Actually I'm feeling a bit glum for the Suit today. See he's been in a crap job situation for sometime, and it just gets worse and worse. He's always having to sign and pass on birthday cards in his insane club, but he went unrecognized today. That's just crap. Apparently there is a birthday "list" on the cork board, guess no one has looked at it lately. I hope it was an oversight, but still that just sucks. He interviewed for a new job about a month ago, and we're still in "waiting", he deserves this job, the interview went great, but it's one of those not really sure if there is a job situations. He casually mentioned to a guy from another club that he was looking and the guy said to send over his resume. He did, Guy called, Suit interviewed, went great, I'll call in a week or two, no call, Suit sees Guy at work, Guy seeks him out all friendly "I'll call you Suit". That was over a week ago, again, no call. It's like some cruel joke, toying with the Suit. Truly though this guy is genuinely nice, not a screwer, so I'm guessing that there isn't a job yet, but when and if there is the Suit will be tapped. Not a fun way to wait, every day "Did the Guy call?" Breaks my heart to continuously say "No.". Sigh.

We went out to dinner last night to celebrate since he's working the next 6 nights...did I mention he loves his job? We went to Bonefish, it was good, I had tuna. Then we went to see Reign Over Me. The Adam Sandler movie about losing his family in 9/11. I knew it was not a comedy it wasn't horrible, but a bit draggy, I think I was expecting more of a 9/11 story and that was really a very minor part of the movie. I did however find Liv Tyler to be adorable, I think if I was going to switch to the other team I'd go for her, she's quite stunning. Amazing that her dad is Steven Tyler, she seems so not like Steven Tyler's daughter.

R has been on spring break this week. I've had no soccer and no swim team. I'm beginning to see what life would be like without those activities....NICE! Oh well. R has been driving me nuts though, she needs activity, every day, "Is it school today?"

I've been gardening like mad. It's been in the 80s so on Monday I planted my cucumbers, zucchini, summer squash, and two heirloom tomato plants. Yahoo....you say. Fucking frost tonight! Damned frost, frost and 80 degrees in the same week. What is that shit? So I tucked my plants in tonight, I think I lost come cucumbers last night, luckily those are easy enough to grow, I'm praying I don't lose my tomatoes. I got my tomato plant order today, I ordered 18 heirloom plants. I think the FedEx guy played volleyball with the box, a few didn't fare too well, I might have some replacements on the way because of the transit "issues".

I'm going to save seeds from all my plants this year so I can start my own next year, $60.00 bucks for 18 plants is a bit pricey. I did start some plants of my own however! Have you ever had Campari Tomatoes ? They are like $40.00 for like 8 tomatoes, but they are the most delicious tomatoes, especially in the winter when all tomatoes taste like crap. Well I saved some seeds from one and now I have six little Campari Tomato plants growing. I feel very Martha with my little harem of plants growing. I have a feeling that this gardening thing is going to get out of hand, what with 26 tomato plants and all. The Suit thinks I should just till up the whole yard and start a farm. Maybe next year.

I have a very funny blog in my head, I need to get to a scanner....yes, it's one of "those". Maybe this weekend.....that is if you're all good.

Mobile Memorials

This has been a blog in my head for weeks....I just now am getting a moment to share it with you lucky readers.

"In Loving Memory of........" Have you seen these? Now my question is, did the car belong to the person? Is that why it's still living on "in memory"? Because really, I don't want a mobile tombstone, if I die tomorrow, you all have these instructions, closed casket, comfortable clothes, flip flops, please, and no hearse.

I can't help but notice that the people with these ridiculous memorial stickers on their cars are scum bags. Now when do you decide to take it off? Do you feel really guilty when your like "To hell with Mama, I need to see out of my back windershield!" I wonder this everyday, because I see these everyday!

Just some thoughts for you to ponder.

Sweet Girl.

Five years ago today, I became a Mommy. Time flies, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

R was supposed to be coaxed (ok induced) out on March 24, I had been going to the hospital the whole week before to "ripen" my cervix, I wasn't due until March 27th, but they were preparing me early as they were afraid with gestational diabetes that R might be too big.

We'll all the ripening in the world was not going to prepare my cervix, but Dr. Vietch decided to go forward with the induction on 3/24, a Sunday. We were excited and completely prepared. Well we were to arrive at the hospital at 8:00 AM, the phone rang at 6:00 AM, induction "off", "we're too busy.'' I was so angry, they tried to reschedule for 3/25, but I refused, that was The Suit's Dad's birthday. So Dr. Vietch personally called me to find out why I didn't want to come in on the 25th, and she knew not to argue with a pregnant woman that just had a canceled induction, we were scheduled for the 26th, a Tuesday.

After a million "did she have the baby" calls, we headed into Beverly Hospital for a 7:00 AM induction. Pitocin was started (felt nothing). I had my water broken, which I will remember was the oddest sensation in my life. Then I had one noticeable contraction and hopped on the epidural train. R never dropped, we never progressed I think we got to 3 cm, and at 9:00 PM, Dr. Schreiber (the on call Dr. and Head of Obstetrics) made the call that if there wasn't progress by 10:00 PM, we'd have a c-section. He also said that saying that often "scares" the baby out.

So we waited for an hour, called everyone to let them know of the possible outcome, and waited. He came in and sure enough, no progress. Then things got crazy. Nurses were literally jumping out of the walls to prep for the c-section, shaving, all kinds of less that known things were happening. The Suit was sent out of the room and given a jump Suit to prepare for the birth of our first child.

Wheeled into the OR, the anesthesiologist became my enemy. I had a terrible reaction to the meds, and was shaking, dry heaving, etc. I felt horrible. I was strapped on the table like Jesus on the cross, to say I felt exposed was an understatement. Then the section began. My sister had warned the Suit not to look over the curtain, and he did not. Then very quickly Dr. Schreiber said, "Danyelle you'll feel some pressure and some tugging". That grossed me out, but it was an accurate statement. Pushing and tugging, and I became a Mom!

I didn't get to see R right away, they whisked her to the isolette and she was shielded from my view by nurses and the doctor. She was fine, but that is the process in a c-section, no baby on your chest, no holding up. That made me sad. The Suit stayed by my side the whole time, he wanted to see R too, but he kept vigil. Then they were taking care of me and what seemed like forever, R was held over my face. She was beautiful. I began to cry, it was over.

The Suit and R went up to the nursery to get her cleaned up. The nurse left him in the hall for a moment, and he thought that meant he was to take R to the nursery. So in the elevator they went, father and daughter, alone. They were met at the next floor with an out of breath nurse, she ran the stairs, apparently the Suit and R weren't to have their alone moment just yet. Oops.

So R was taken care of in the nursery and I was sent to recovery. I waited alone for a long time. I felt sad, I hadn't been alone in nine months and then after a failed induction, I had my baby taken from me and I was alone in a room, "recovering". I worried about breastfeeding because all I had read said to start early, where was my baby? Then finally the Suit and R came back and we began breastfeeding. I was lost, I thought it was going fine, but had no clue what I was doing. We finally got our own room.

In the room we really got to see R, it was like unwrapping a present, that you don't want to share with anyone. We hadn't yet seen her fingers and toes. So alone, in our room, we began to take a peek at our new baby. We didn't want to ruin the swaddle but we did. 1o fingers........10 toes......what's that mark?....oh a stork bite........she was long.......and thin.......she had a tiny bit of fine hair.......she smelled wonderful........she was perfect.

And she still is.

Happy Birthday, Sweet R. I love you and I love that you made me a Mommy.

Heat wave, fevers, butterflies, bunnies, eggs, and birthdays.

So we're having a bit of a heat wave here in sunny Upstate SC. We've hit 80+ the last two days and tomorrow promises another 85 day. I know all you NE friends are cursing me right now, but wait...it gets better.

This is a big weekend in the Parker House. Today was the annual neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt, tomorrow is R's Pump It Up 5th birthday party, I had to make 25 butterfly cookie favors (more on that Martha episode to come), and the Suit is feverishly preparing R's two tier cake with an Under the Sea theme. Times are busy.

But then, sometimes things just don't go as you plan. Like I really hadn't planned on being in Wal-Mart this morning at 5:00 AM, really, that was not in the plan.

Seems that R and C have some peculiar fever, which is accompanied with an odd pain on the roof of the mouth (I know this symptom because suddenly this evening I've developed it). Started Friday night, and I was hoping it was just a Mystery Fever that would resolve itself by morning. Dosed them with Tylenol and Motrin, and sent them to bed. They did go to sleep, but then R woke up at 3:00 AM with "Frow up in her bed". Ahh......great timing.

So the Suit cleaned the bed, I cleaned the furnace, and we all climbed into our bed to watch a little Nick at Night Cosby Show marathon. Good times. We'll R was producing a lot of heat, so we re-dosed the meds, woke up the baby sister, dosed her, and then back to bed.

Well R did not sleep. Nor did I, so I had to go to Wal-Mart to get last minute party stuff, so 5:00 AM seemed logical to me. So $75.00 later, with the Chicken Little DVD I arrived home at 6:00...thankfully Noggin starts at 6:00 AM, put Frick and Frack on the couch with puffs, sprites, and pillows and went for my Saturday morning walk with Tina. That was actually good considering I knew what my day would most likely hold.

Got home, kids were asleep, did laundry, wrapped the cookies, and created this masterpiece! I'm quite braggy and proud of myself so feel free to tell me to stop being a bragger. I came up with the idea, the Suit made the cookies and baked them, I decorated,, bagged, assembled, carded, etc. They are the favors for R's party, because I detest goodie bags with fruit snacks, pencils, erasers, and little nickel tracing things. I decided I had to be "different". They look awesome, but I get the kids will be disappointed that they don't get that Bag 'O Shit, don't care. The tags say: "Thank you for sharing my 5th birthday. Love RC" I considered having it say, "Thanks for coming to my party, hope you had fun, a treat for you as you go home to fight the flu. Love, RC" Decided against it, let it be a surprise.


After assembling my masterpiece (BTW the cookies are on lollipop sticks, hence the"bouquet", I checked the temps (99-100), put them in the tub, ironed their dresses, fed them lunch, and off to the Egg Hunt we went. Figured we should share the "illness" with 'hood. The girls had a good time, we only stayed 40 minutes, long enough to score some eggs, but short enough that we didn't melt completely (it was so hot!). So wish me luck that we can maintain low to no grade fevers through tomorrow, because I really am not going to go to this party without the guest of honor!
They don't look so bad considering......

More tomorrow....hopefully all good!

Springtime.

My life is so spectacular really, I love it....blah, blah, blah. Ha, ha, don't you hate people like that? Happy, happy, happy.

Well Frick and Frack have been quite the social butterflies in the neighborhood. The warm weather is here.....should I tell you? 80 degrees baby! So nice, but that means we have to be chatty. I swear I've been outside for 5 days straight now, visiting with neighbors, and while I enjoy the interaction, sometimes I'm not feeling so chatty. I shouldn't complain, this is why we moved here, but when you have 3 unplanned playdates in one day it gets exhausting. Not to mention that my kids aren't ready for unsupervised playdates, so all this makes Mommy tired.

R got Heelys. Do you know what they are? Yes, they are those annoying shoes with the wheels that the kids almost knock you down in the store, yep those are the ones. Our neighbor got them (she's 2 years older) and you know how that goes, R had to have them. Let's just say that 2 years is a lot in coordination. R is finally doing it now, but it was rough going for a while.

Oh she had a roller skating birthday party a few weeks ago. Who the fuck has a roller skating birthday for a 5 year old? An idiot that's who. Don't know about your kids, but my five year old is not adept on roller skates. It wasn't a fun party. R liked it, I did not. I actually walked around with her the entire time, wearing my sneakers. The funny thing is that this party was at the Roller Drome....the same Roller Drome that I frequented from ages 7-13. Oh the memories. All the love affairs over Endless Love...Couples Skate......ahh.....brings me back. It's a lot different when you have those thoughts while walking around with a 4 year old on clumsy skates.


I've started Proactiv, I want to wake up and look like Jessica Simpson. I decided that I can't stand my skin, so the infomericals got me, and here I am with a crazy twice a day skin care regimen. It's only been 5 days, I can't tell a difference yet, but I fully expect to wake up tomorrow looking like Jessica. Wish me luck.

My garden is all prepped ready to go. I have ordered 18 heirloom tomato plants, they are being Fedexed (I like making that a verb) on April 3rd. Guess how much, $50.00. I hope I get some really freakin' awesome tomatoes. We had 4 yards of mushroom compost delivered. Just an FYI 4 yards of mushroom compost is a freakin' boatload of compost! Just ask the Suit he wheelbarrowed it from the driveway to the backyard about 50o times. Good Suit, Good Suit.
I've already planted broccoli, lettuce, spinach, and strawberries. I'm a regular Mr. McGregor.

Oh and just a word.....all Bradford Pear Trees should die! Puffy white balls of nasty pollen....every last one of them, die. I hate allergies.

Fact: Greenville, SC #2 worst city for allergy sufferers in the country.

Don't believe me? Go here.

I never had allergies before I moved....now I'm dying!